BOOK REVIEW : It's Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel :)

 Assalamualaikum wbt fellow readers! I hope you are in the pink of health💗!

Today, I am going to review an interesting book by Hilary .

Synopsis

"The bottom line is this: if you're a human, I recommend that you read this book" 

Diana Fosha, the founder of

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

We are often taught that our thoughts affect our emotions, but in truth we have to experience our emotions to truly understand our thoughts, and our full selves.

In It's Not Always Depression, pioneering psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel reveals the most effective techniques for putting us back in touch with the emotions we too often deny methods which can be used by anyone, any time, anywhere. Drawing on stories from her own practice, she sheds light on the core emotions (such as joy, sadness and fear), defences (anything we do to avoid feeling) and inhibitory emotions (anxiety, shame and guilt), and how understanding their interaction can help us return to mental well-being.

This is the basis of 'accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy': it speeds up healing through having an emotional experience in the here and now. It allows you to reacquaint yourself with your feelings, to recover a more authentic self and to be more calm, curious and connected.

What Did I get From This Book?

• People have a fundamental need for transformation. We are wired for growth and healing. And we are wired for self- righting, and resuming impeded growth. We have a need for the expansion and liberation of the self, the letting down of defensive barriers, and the dismantling of the false self. We are shaped by a deep desire to be known, seen, and recognized, as we strive to come into contact with parts of ourselves that are frozen.

• Not only two heads better than one; so are two psyches and so are two hearts.

• Life is tough. We all suffer. Modern humans experience more stress, burden, emptiness, anxiety, self-judgment, and depression than ever. Most of us don't know how to deal with emotions effectively. Instead we work hard to manage them through avoidance. That coping strategy is the very thing that leads to symptoms of mental distress such as depression and anxiety. Avoiding emotions just does not work in the long run.

• We use defenses so that we can carry on. But researchers now know that blocking emotions is detrimental to mental,and physical health. Blocked emotions lead to depression, anxiety, and a wide variety of other psychological symptoms caused by chronic stress.

• We need to think, but not so much that we ignore our deep and rich emotional lives, sacrificing vitality.

• We Cannot Change the Past, but We Can Change How We Feel About the Past

Every important memory has four components. They are :

1. The emotion we feel
2. The physical sensations evoked in our bodies that capture the images or pictures we see in our mind's eye memory
3. The belief about ourselves that the experience left: a conviction created about our core sense of ourselves

• People disconnect from their emotional experience, afraid of being overwhelmed, humiliated, or revealed as inadequate by the force of feelings, only to pay the price later in depression, isolation, and anxiety. -Diana Fosha

• When you discover you are using a defense or you have the sense that something in you is holding you back or preventing you from thriving, you have a great opportunity to uncover and heal the original trauma behind it by working the Change Triangle.

• Avoidant: I'm uncomfortable with intimacy. I prefer to withdraw into my own interests and myself. I am good at putting up walls and protecting myself from others. I'm excessively independent of everyone else; I do not need other people. I often appear distant. I do not feel comfortable sharing my feelings. (readin this kinda reflect myself😌)

• Why Is the Defense of Vagueness a Problem in Life?

Vagueness...

1. Keeps our truth hidden
2. Keeps us confused about what we mean and what we need/want 
3. Makes it difficult to work out relationship conflicts since we are not saying what we want/need or object to
4. Makes it hard to tell what we really feel about something
5. Makes it hard to find our core emotions that are linked to specific circumstances

• The Daily Routine on creating positive brain change

1. Slow down and notice what is happening in your mind and body. 
2. Notice defensive thoughts and maneuvers and question their reason for being there.
3. Try to move defenses aside by coming out of your head and checking in with your body.
4. Try to put words on what you are experiencing.
5. Validate your feelings.

• The costs of ruminating about how to avoid others' anger are many:

1. Ruminations use energy that could otherwise be put toward working efficiently, having fun, being creative, or being curious in the world.
2. Ruminations can trigger the fight/flight part of the brain into a perpetual state of alert for danger. This causes the release of stress hormones, which, over time, can damage health.
3. Ruminations compromise a person's ability to solve problems. Minds don't work well when they are anxious. Ruminating and worrying make people feel like they are working on a problem, but it is inefficient work at best and, sometimes, the problem is in fact nonexistent.

• Shame Is Not Guilt

Shame and guilt are often confused. Guilt is what we feel when we have done something bad. Shame is when we feel that we are bad! Guilt is about bad deeds. Shame is about a bad Self. Shamed parts of us often believe

I am not good enough.

I am stupid.

I am ugly.

I am unlovable.

I am a failure.

I am a bad person.

• Working the Change Triangle helps transform toxic shame. It does this in several ways:

1. by reminding us shame exists and it might be keeping us stuck in our defenses
2. by guiding us to actively find and acknowledge parts of us that have shame
3. by guiding us to accept ourselves as we are
4. by guiding us to revisit the memories that caused us to feel ashamed so we can liberate the core emotions originating from that time

• NINE WAYS TO BEGIN WORKING WITH YOUR SHAME

1. You were not born feeling shame about yourself. Know that shame learned.
2. Know that shame is not your fault, even though our shame tells us it is.
3. Know that as adults we can learn skills and get help in handling shame like learning to manage rejection. We can gain enough confidence to take chances and come out of hiding. There is always hope.
4. Know that you can surround yourself with friends and partners who accept and love you for you. You can find people with whom you can safely share your accomplishments and failures. You can find people to share in your joy and excitement. You can find people who share your interest in being real and authentic.
5. Practice changing your habitual reflex to shrink and hide. Slowly start experimenting with expansive feelings like joy, pride, interest and excitement when they arise, by acknowledging them. Notice f you immediately dismiss good feelings.
6. Know that arrogance, contempt, perfectionism, pretenses, bullying behavior, and aggression in general are often a cover for underlying shame.
7. Practice offering compassion to the part of you that feels ashamed or bad in the moments you are suffering most.
8. Practice working with your shamed part by asking it as though it were another person you were talking to, "How did you learn to feel ashamed? From whom or where did you get this message?" Then be patient and listen to your shamed part. It might tell you something new
9. Practice finding and validating the core emotions you have felt as a result of being shamed either in the present or in the past.

• Experiment to find the techniques that best lower anxiety for you. 

1. Breathe: Take four or five long, deep belly breaths.
2. Ground yourself: Placing both feet on the floor, turn all of your attention to the soles of your feet. 
3. Slow down: Be still while you breathe and feel your feet on the ground. Listen to the outside sounds around you. Notice the colors in the world around you. Notice the textures in the world around you. No multitasking!
4. Put yourself in a peaceful place: Imagine a calming place, such as the beach
5. Focus on sensations of anxiety: Tune in to the physical sensations of your anxiety, like a quickly beating heart or butterflies in your stomach.
6. Name core emotions:  Ask yourself if you feel sad, fearful, angry, disgusted, joyful, or excited.
7. Exercise: Physical exertion reliably diminishes anxiety. 
8. Connect: Reach out to a friend. Tell him you are upset about something and want to talk about it.
9. Imagine your anxiety as a child part of you: Offer the child part comfort by being your own good parent. Give it a hug, swaddle it in a blanket, offer it cookies and milk. Use your imagination in any way that the child part needs to feel a bit better
10. Try other activities that lower anxiety or help you feel more engaged in the moment: Cook, play music, stretch or do yoga, make something artistic, read a good book, watch something funny or sad on television, take a warm bath, make yourself tea, practice juggling or take a walk. 

• There are two main ways to get to the openhearted state: first, by experiencing our core emotions. The second way to access the openhearted state is by looking for your C's and seeing if you can make a conscious shift into being them just by being aware and applying your emotional energy.

• Check if you are in an openhearted state by asking yourself the following questions:

1. Am I physically calm?
2. Can I get curious in my reactions to the world and people around me? 
3. Am I feeling connected to myself emotionally?
4. Can I access compassion toward myself?
5. Am I confident that I am basically safe right now? Am I confident in my abilities to find resources and get help when I need it? Am confident that I can take care of myself?
6. Am I willing to be courageous and lead with vulnerability?
7. Is my mind clear so I can think? If my mind is not clear, am I aware of that so that I do not make important decisions until I am able to access more clarity?

• How to Stay in an Openhearted State in the Face of Life's Challenges

1. Notice when you are triggered, and try to maintain calm through breathing, grounding, and imagining your safe place.
2. Listen to your body so you can notice and name the emotions and parts of you that are upset. Communicate with those emotions and parts.
3. Validate that you are upset and that you first need to care for yourself.
4. Offer compassion to yourself; don't listen to judging or critical thoughts.
5. Identify what you need to feel better and remind yourself that whatever you feel is temporary. 

• The power of the Change Triangle is huge. Think of an ocean Waves knock us down and pull us under. Sometimes it might feel as if we are drowning. But if we are prepared, if we know what to do when a wave topples us, if we build strength and balance, we can find our way back to the surface each time with less effort and more confidence that we will survive the next wave that comes.
• Emotion just are! Judging yourself is not useful. Believing you can stop emotions from happening is false. Instead, focus your mental energy on dealing constructively with them. 

**The above information is written so that maybe when I'm older I'll try to relearn it!**

Book Rating + Review?

 

A dense book for anyone interested in learning how to manage emotions, as well as psychology students and psychotherapists. I chose the book because of the appealing title. But it turns out that I don't really like it because it doesn't match my interests😂. So I'll give it a 6/10. Too much knowledge on brain research (it's called neuroscience, right?).